A Call to Orange {fire SU Greg Robinson mid-season}


September 9, 2008, 5:41 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Coach Robinson Switches the Orange back to the “Saltine Warriors” to Compensate for Actual Coaching

In a bold move to remake his team and inject new life into his ambient mediocrity, Robinson has scratched Otto in place of the old “Saltine Warriors” given that no team will ever be intimidated by his actual play calling. “I am a warrior not a fruit,” Robinson proudly proclaimed while continuing “this will really give the illusion to opponents that we are ready for battle.”

In addition, Coach Robinson was inspired by Ocho Cinco (formerly Chad Johnson) and forced starting QB Dantley to legally change his last name to McNabb to create a sense of distant nostalgia for fans who could remember a time when our football team was more competitive than local pee wee squads.



Robinson Fires Offensive Coordinator for the Orange, Hires Billy Fuccillo

Move over Browning here comes the big guns, Robinson has made a surprise move and hired Billy Fuccillo to shake up the orange machines reign of offensive terror. When asked how this change would create more wins for the orange Robinson simply said “It is going to be huge.”

After answering “it is going to be huge” to every question asked of him Robinson finally caved in and elaborated, “Billy is selling SUVs off his lot like hotcakes and in a recession, there is nothing this guy can’t do.” When asked if Coach Robinson was making a figurative comparison to his team being in a recession (though stopped short of drawing the obvious comparison, the Great Depression) Robison digressed again to “its going to be huge.”

Sources have leaked parts of Fuccillo’s contract which includes Fuccillo highlighting new Hyuandi deals during halftime, timeouts and tv breaks. Another caveat to his contract stipulates that each game must result in at least 20 car sales or be compensated by the SU Athletic Department.

Coach Robinson Caught Disguised as Otto to Feel Better About Himself

In an unusual turn of events, Otto was seen slowly meandering around campus incapacitated giving students high fives. When approached and later chased down by local SU officers it was discovered that Coach Greg Robinson was under the outfit. “His drunk running was still better then what I’ve seen from our offense,” a local su security official revealed.

Robinson explained his antics and justified what he did by saying “I just wanted to feel like people liked me. I like how I feel when I’m under that mask, people just see me as the goofy and aloof guy I am, and not as a Coach of the worst football team in the country.”

No comment was available for the police report which cited Robinson was wearing orange pantyhose and high heels.



Robinson Cancels Penn State Game, citing Enviornment

Greg Robinson has decided to join the green movement and curb unnecessary carbon emissions by telling Penn State to just stay home and take the W.

“It’s a win for the environment. It just makes sense to conserve rather than waste fuel and energy on making Penn State come all the way over here to make us look like a community college program.” When asked about the inspiration of the new environmentally savvy approach Robinson said “well my west coast offense hasn’t taken off just yet so I thought I would bring my west coast mentality instead.”

A reporter inquired on what he will be doing instead of watching the orange get decimated by another bottom feed school and Robinson remarked “watching some old USC clips. I like looking back to remember a time when I could just passively watch great recruits do all of the work while I took all of the credit.”

Other proposed green initiatives from Robinson include an ambitious plan to convert SU fans vomit (easily collected after home games) into fuel for future air conditioners for the Carrier Dome. Another idea is a proposal for students to avoid even showing up to home games given that beer is cheaper and more easily recyclable outside of the Carrier Dome.

Homecoming Committee Votes Football Game Out of Event Schedule To Boost Morale

After suffering defeat from Akron, one of the countries worst football teams to have ever existed, Coach Robinson has succumbed to the Homecoming Committees fear of an even more ferocious opponent, Northeastern University. “I think building floats would be more emotionally rewarding for the players anyway,” Robinson noted while adding an analogy “I understand where the committee is coming from. If we knew when and where a disaster would strike why wouldn’t we just do the responsible thing and avoid the situation in its entirety?” SU athletics originally wanted to reimburse the 16 fans who actually had tickets to the event with its equivalent value, but officials are still uncertain how to reimburse a face value less than zero.

Robinson’s “Improvement Plan” Leaked to Press! (excerpts below)

1.) Start SU Lacrosse Players for SU Football Team

“These guys are proven winners and that’s what we need here,” Coach Robinson said in defending his argument to start the entire men’s lacrosse team in place of his football squad. “There no difference really, both have balls, both wear helmets.”

2.) Switching Divisions to High School Division A

“There is simply no question we would be more competitive there, though a few local teams could prove to be challenging.” Robinson added “it would be a good way to get more involved in the community and a shorter commute for most fans.”

3.) Blame it all on Paul Pasqualoni

4.) Recruit Local Frat Beer Pong Players

Robinson noted “their uncanny sensory motor skills, aptitude to function in highly dysfunctional situations and their undivided work ethic,” Robinson added “if our team played like these guys drank, we would at least feel like winners.” At least they have a reason to be incapacitated.

5.) Enlist Dr. Phils Leadership Guidance

“Sure he’s not a real doctor,” Coach Robinson said, “but then again I’m not a real coach either.” Dr. Phil says it more important to feel and talk about winning repeatedly rather than to actually do it.